05/12/02

Update
This weeks update is dedicated to Evil Knievel's half-cousin from Hong Kong. They call her Fu Knievel, and she can currently be seen in Jackie Chan's new film, leaping over a dog egg on a unicycle with her baps out.

This week sees Jimmy Nguyen review "Sex Samurai: Battle at Baby Feast", and it's not one for the squeamish, so don't read it if you squeam a lot. Also, Janick reviews "Summer of Misery", a serious film starring Hsu Chi as a lonely girl trying to come to terms with the futility of the human condition. And you get to see her BOOBS! AGAIN! Also, in this weeks column, Mikey McKacalack pukes his brains in his article entitled "For the love of God why is Jean Claude Van Damme so SHIT! I mean LOOK at him! He's a MIDGET!!"

Enjoy the update, please don't sue us.

Kung Fu TV Show
From Russ Houghton Jerry Springer is to record a special series of his hit show dealing with the domestic troubles of Kung Fu Masters. Planned shows include "You killed my father - And now I want revenge!", "People laugh at my squint and hairy mole!", and "Wong Jing stole my idea, and now I want it back!"

New Jackie Chan
From Russ Houghton
For the new Jackie Chan movie "Where Am I?", Jackie plays a cop called Jackie who takes a wrong turning in his Mitsubishi and uncovers international drug smugglers.

Next Miike Project
From Chris Hanyok Right of the success of the "Happiness of the Katakuris", Takashi Miike is planned to helm his own version of Footloose with Riki TAKEUCHI in Kevin's Bacon's role.

HK Mary Poppins
From Russ Houghton
Wong Jing is set to direct Mary Poppins II. This long overdue sequel is said to be darker than the first, and features a ground breaking portrayal of Airborn umbrella coitus, and 22 pairs of breasts. A grinning Sonny Chiba takes over from Dick Van Dyke.

Crippled Avengers, Again!
From Russ Houghton Chris Tucker is to star in a remake of Crippled Avengers. Plot details are sill sketchy, but Tucker plays a cop who jumps around a lot, making fun of the disabled in a high voice.

Disney Misunderstood
From Mark Flora The online petition of stopping the mistreatment of Asian Cinema by Disney finally garnered enough signatures to nudge Disney in the right direction. However, it seems Disney misunderstood the whole petition and instead, they did not edit the 3D SEX scene in the upcoming "Goofy's Adventures in Hollywood" and did not dub the cartoon. This will be a rare cartoon that will only have music and no voices even though Goofy's mouth will be moving. The un-cut/un-dubbed cartoon will make its debut in Fall 2002.

Another US Remake
From Russ Houghton
Steven Spielberg's Dreamworks company as bought the rights to remake the haunting Japanese horror 'Ring'. The retitled 'Close Encounters of Schindlers Ring' will be released as soon as test audiences stop vomiting

Andrew Lau works for Miramax
From Mark Flora
Officially on May 6th, Miramax bought the distribution rights to Andrew Lau's new epic CGI, "DEATH BECOMES HER". While the details are still too vague, KFCcinema believes it will be dubbed by the same man who voiced Alvin and the Chipmunks and edited to the extent where Kristy Yang will be murdered in the first SECOND of the film. There's no word on the American theatrical release date.

JC Van Damme in Episode II
From Russ Houghton Jean Claude Van Damme will play the role of the Jedi master Yoda in Star Wars: Episode 2. His whole body will be painted in green, and his display of the splits is said to be 'traumatising'.

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