This column is comin' at yo bum with two titles as opposed to one. If you don't like the more hoboken title of "Stuff You Don't Have", then by all means choose the other. KFC Cinema is all about variety and I deliver like Fedex, baby. So you may be scratchin' your head asking one of two questions: "What is this article about?" and most importantly "Isn't this that bum that wrote the CG article?" While both are valid questions, you probably won't find any answers, so just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Since my favorite topic, "Animals dying in Film," has already been jacked by Russ, I'm going to talk about collecting, more specifically toys, but in an all encompassing way. If you think this is totally irrelevant to Asian culture, then you're sadly mistaken. My toys alone represent many aspects of Asian (more specifically Japanese) popular culture and are at least worth wasting your time with.

"My toys alone represent many aspects of Asian (more specifically Japanese) popular culture and are at least worth wasting your time with."

Way back when I was a wee one, I (like so many others) was dazzled by the infinite possibilities and fun that came from the Transformers toy line, among others. There was nothing like creepin' in the basement waging full scale wars while the rest of the adult world was running the mad wheel of the rat race. For a lot of people, these fantastic moments boil down slowly to nothing but faint childhood memories, replaced by the more important things in life. But to others such as yours truly, and resident nerd J.D. Nguyen, kiddie play toys evolve into glorified dust magnets. Now, before mad toy collectors jump at my throat, dust magnets is a term of endearment, so don't send mad e-mails about bustin' out a knuckle sandwich on my ass just because I made you cry all over your in-package Star Trek toys. My toys are definitely dust magnets, and that's only because I don't have the time to sit around in my underoos making sound effects like I did in Police Academy (yeah, that was me). I prefer the way nerdier practice of lining them up on my shelf so all the suckers that come over can see how anally organized they are.

Hey! Wake up!!

So anyway, I promised I would relate this story to Asian culture, and even Asian cinema, so I swear I'm getting there. Now, there is a fine line between mild collecting and obsessive collecting. I like to call the latter "Buy everything remotely cool you see syndrome," for lack of a better term. I went through this for the better part of my High School years, badgering everyone I could about whether or not they had any old Transformers, and then convincing them they were worthless so I could get my grubby hands on them. So, this isn't one of those situations where I went crazy and spent hundreds of dollars on my collection, I just got lucky and barely spent any cash at all. But there are always those times between nabbin' people's old toys, so it's not like I was only on the Transformers train. In the between time, I felt the urge to get all the anime or Japanese related toys I could possibly get my hands on. This is where the wallet moths start to fly, because most of us know that import toys can cost a pretty penny. And while I may not have transforming Devilman dildos like Mr. Nguyen, I've managed to nab enough pointless crap to satisfy myself. Man, this is beginning to sound like one of those fat nerd articles I read in "The Onion."

"I've managed to nab enough pointless crap to satisfy myself."

"Morbidly Stupid Man Collects Toys."

"I felt the urge to get all the anime or Japanese related toys I could possibly get my hands on."

Damn, that would have been a great title for my column. Okay, so it's been a few paragraphs, and I haven't said how this connects to KFC Cinema's entire reason for existing. Well, have you ever watched Stormriders and said, "Damn, I wish I had a pimp ass Lord Conquer toy" or watched "Ichi the Killer" and demanded that they make an auto-ejaculating Ichi toy (come on, someone out there's lying)? Or perhaps you are one of those lucky enough to have purchased the $ 250+ Lone Wolf and Cub toy (if so mail me one).

"If you have the bug, you will never get rid of it."

Either way, collecting invades Asian cinema in many ways. Hell, if it weren't for my collecting nature, I could do without a lot of DVD's that I want. But that's just the way it is. If you have the bug, you will never get rid of it. And why would you want to? This column wasn't meant to boggle your mind or answer any important questions, but hopefully it will give someone who was initially unaware of this hobby some new information from a personal point of view (although it's a long shot). So bust out those old ass dust magnets and slam 'em up on top of your TV. Then give props to the plastic soldiers while you're peepin' "Versus" for the 50th time.

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Joseph Luster
04/05/2002