[KFCC] Protege De La Rose Noire Review

Story: Desperate and in competition for an old apartment, Gillian and Charlene (collectively known as supergroup the 'Twins') end up in a trap-filled mansion training to become the next 'Rose' after spying a tempting flyer while down on their luck. Black Rose is a batty old lady who's house full of hanging nooses and a clunker robot keeps men like super-doofus Jim Lo (Ekin Cheng) away, despite his relentless attempts to save the girls from their new 'home'. Once Ekin gets mistaken for Rose's boy toy Robin (yes, of Batman fame), the training begins…as does the pain!

Review: After watching the first few minutes of 'Protege De La Rose Noire', the initial thought that popped in my head was that Donnie Yen went insane at some point in 2003. After about 30-40 minutes, I decided that Yen in fact hated me, and maybe had something against me in a previous life. It wasn't until crunch time, about 20 minutes before the credits, that I realized both A and B are true.

'Protege' is bad, really bad. Even its perverse handicapped whimsy can't keep me at more than arms length from hating it completely.

What makes this movie so bad is a combination of all of the most vital aspects, from the actors to the sound effects, as well as every insignificant component in between. The Twins, Gillian and Charlene, are just plain annoying. Not only can they not act or command the screen competently, but their giggly outburst style of humor could trigger nervous twitches in every viewer in a split second. Next to the "wonder" Twins (activate! Form of…nausea!), Ekin Cheng looks like he's performing Hamlet. In reality, though, this is a performance from Ekin that would be better off "Men In Black-ed" out of our memories forever (regardless of how 'dreamy' many will find him dressed as Robin).

Teresa Mo is the most watchable of the bunch. Reprising her role from 1992's 'The Legendary La Rose Noire', Mo is a few rungs lower on the ladder of grand annoyance. She brings some lukewarm action to the table in her fight against her sister and her cohorts, but the few kicks and punches that are thrown in this movie aren't enough to save what should be edited into 90 minutes of Donnie Yen sobbing and apologizing in front of the camera.

Speaking of action, how is it?

Martial arts fans beware, your money belongs elsewhere. While some moments of brief fisticuffs show glimmers of promise, the majority of it is an utter mess. One of the only semi-funny scenes (however superfluous it may be) has Gillian and Charlene mimicking a 'Drunken Master' training sequence. This succeeds in sheer randomness as well as banking on how cute the Twins look decked out martial arts style. Other than that, the only bare knuckle moment worth mentioning features a grossly underused Chris Yen sporting nunchaku. I hope Donnie's adorable sis lives down getting beat up by the Twins.

The music in 'Protege' really accentuates the cheese factor in the worst way. For clarifications sake, there's nothing wrong with cheese. Cheese goes good on everything, especially in the case of dumb comedies and action movies. This is a different case altogether. Whether 'Protege' is pure head cheese or some rank, expired goat cheese is neither here nor there; either way it stinks. To be fair, the movie seems to be aimed towards children (I hope), so some of its eye-rollers are permissible. Nonetheless, every time some hokey jingle chimed in the background while Ekin attempted slapstick, a small part of me died somewhere.

Donnie Yen must have made this one blind-folded. The camera work is lazy in a world of visual gags that have no drive behind them. Either Donnie has no clue how to motivate his actors or the players in this train wreck of a chess board just have no clue what they're doing. Everything screams half-assed. The best-case scenario is that this was Donnie's intention. He sure seems to realize while filming that this is a dumb movie, and nothing should be taken seriously. Even if that is the case, the jokes still aren't funny, so the point is moot.

Some people will like 'Protege', but I'd like to think that most will hate it. Donnie Yen really disappoints with this empty shell of a vehicle running on E from the opening scene up until the credits. The venue may be huge, the coat of paint fresh and shiny, but the main attraction is something that would make Wong Jing blush.