Review: Cat III ghost stories are as common as muck and twice as dirty. Take a look through the Horror section of any Asian movie online retailer. It’s easy be seduced by random combinations of words like ‘Erotic’, ‘Ghost’, ‘Ninja’, ‘Dolls’, ‘Nightmare’, and ‘Temptation’, and presume that you will automatically be getting some wonderful gore and sex movie unlike anything you have ever seen. It’s so easy to be tempted by a sensationalist title and a picture of a naked Asian girl that it’s hard to find the celluloid needles in the haystack of crap that is available. Admit it guys, most Cat III movies are garbage, and you’ve been suckered before. Yes you have.

‘The Eternal Evil of Asia’ is a Cat III film. It’s cheap, exploitative, smutty and gory. It relies on cheap thrills and has very little plot. It knows that men will watch paint dry if it has a pair of outrageous norks. It’s also quite an entertaining movie. I liked it.

There, I said it. I’m out of the closet and I don’t care if my parents disown me. I enjoyed ‘The Eternal Evil of Asia’. I enjoyed watching Elvis Tsui get his head turned into a big bell-end (see pictures). I enjoyed watching two sorcerers going at it like rabbits while flying through the air. I enjoyed watching all those naked nipples, and I really enjoyed watching Ellen Chan simulate oral sex on thin air. I’m not ashamed. This movie is dirty and I love it.

In the first five minutes, a man is encouraged by the ghosts of his parents to slice up a few innocent bystanders, before throwing himself off his apartment roof. He falls to the ground and is skewered by fluorescent tube lighting, which still flickers on and off to illuminate his bleeding corpse. This pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the movie, which never seems to slow down. Many Cat III movies fill the gaps between sex and gore with endless talk, but ‘Eternal Evil’ rarely loses its pace. Each scene brings something to the party, and is always followed shortly after by something else. There are a lot of horror elements, but more of the running time seems to be sexual content. It’s a testosterone movie through and through, so someone pass me a lager.

The cast are excellent, and most of them are regulars to the HK exploitation scene. The guys all throw themselves enthusiastically into the film, but let’s be honest, you want to know about the ladies. Ellen Chan is sultry and gorgeous, and in the (literally) climactic final battle provides one of the most bizarre sex scenes ever filmed. Chan Kwan is impossibly loveable, and spends a little time naked in a sauna, plus she indulges in a little group sex. Lily Chung (‘Daughter of Darkness’) joins in the fun as a white witch, but stays clothed. However, someone should tell the HK film industry that hearing Yuen King-tan talk about blow jobs in her distinctive 40-Marlboro-a-day voice is NOT sexy, and quite frankly, how she turns up in all these movies is a mystery to me.