Review: So the "final" Godzilla movie has come and gone. For many people, it left a drooping thud in place of an Earth-shattering roar, like a dud maser cannon firing on a Toho intern in a garbage bag kaiju get-up. The Japanese Box Office silently told tales of despair and woe ripe with tumbleweeds and whistling winds. Expectations totally shape what you get out of this movie, and for the life of me I can't figure out what people were expecting out of a Ryuhei Kitamura-directed Godzilla flick. Maybe they wanted the big guy dolled up in period gear knocking off giant zombies, or fighting a wizard on a spinning pole or whatever the hell Kitamura is famous for. Make no mistake though kiddos, FINAL WARS delivers in a major way.

In all honesty, I've always had mixed feelings about Kitamura's work. While I've enjoyed some of his films (like many, I've seen VERSUS more times than I care to mention), the man's got his fair share of issues with pacing. Kitamura has a knack for dragging out what should be an 80-90 minute film into a two-hour long plate of overcooked turkey. FINAL WARS is different, though. So much happens within the two hours and a nickel that it's hard to decide what's of top priority to focus on.

Though there is a significant amount of monster-free lull, what fills that void is priceless. Bad English actors like Don "The Predator" Frye parade around spewing admirably bad lines, Earth Defense Force goons jump kick furiously as the camera spins around like a tornado, and motorcycles battle on the freeway in an attempt to make sure that nothing could ever get any more over-the-top than this. The pre-chewed scenery melts into a black tar and gets hurled directly into an old, rusty spittoon. After a certain point, the laundry list of films that these moments "borrow" from doesn't matter anymore. What you end up with is a collection of three star scenarios being both humorously and recklessly cranked up to four.

Godzilla and friends may not dominate the screen time, but when they step in front of the camera all bets are off. The whole production feels like some little kid playing puppet master with Bandai's toy library in a futuristic sandbox. The idea that this inspires is best displayed by the chunky American kid that we briefly glimpse watching Anguirus on a news report, stomping about with his collection of expensive kaiju toys with a mouth smothered in chocolate. This "gaijin mirror" is the same feeling that you'll get when you see our green hero surreally trounce the lame-duck Godzilla from the U.S. film, or the sight of Minira clumsily attempting to interact with others.

The effects range from "ghetto fabulous" CG to classic traditional style work with miniatures and rubber suits. Even with some painful looking computer graphics, this movie still screams "lost '70s Godzilla trash flick." Explosions fill the screen at every turn during action sequences while the alien X-seijin stomp their feet at all of the Big G's victories. Even if you have the nuts and nerve to attempt some sort of self-induced cryogenic sleep while this movie plays, the needle-in-the-veins editing will jolt you back up like a year's worth of No-Doz.

Who knows what people are going to think of FINAL WARS later on. At some point it's possibly going to be revered as a lumbering beast of a classic that was wrist-slapped prematurely, and that would be just dandy. Dismiss the fun, destructive, and down-right ridiculous nature of this movie and you may just be taking things a bit too seriously, and we all know the only serious business 'round these parts is Don Frye's titillating performance.