Review: Most of you will have heard of ‘Ninja: The Final Duel’ even if you haven’t seen it. Apart from its sheer lunacy, there is rumoured to be a director’s cut’ of NINE HOURS out there somewhere. Some people even claim to have a copy of this marathon kung fu flick. Well, they have – sort of. NTFD started life as a television series, and over the years has been released by several different companies (and bootleggers) in different forms, all under the same title, but containing different and sometimes overlapping portions of the series. To further add to the legend, blaxploitation’ comedian Rudy Ray Moore took this movie and redubbed it as ‘Shaolin Dolemite’. Got that? Then stop bickering about it on forums and let’s move on.

‘Ninja: The Final Duel’ is cheap, badly acted, incompetently directed, and often makes no sense at all. It’s also action-packed, absolutely bonkers, and a good way to spend 90 minutes. It’s a great movie for those who like to enjoy films with friends, beers and king size Rizlas full of controlled substances.

The plot feels rushed at times, because the narrator (who sounds like he’s stepped right out of an old public information film) recaps us on the story so far (from the series, presumably), and then we leap straight into the action with one of the most jaw-dropping sequences ever to burn onto celluloid. We see the enemy ninjas training, and the narrator goes through a list of kung fu skills guaranteed to make any kung fu fan weep with joy. ‘Acrobatics designed to bring a deathly swiftness’, ‘Ninja light skill leaps and bounds’, ‘Spider Assault Unit’, Iron Tiger claws conquer the forest’, ‘Ninja rock climbing formation’, and ‘Swastika formation’. This is all in the first 15 minutes!

Yes, this is a dubbed film, but there isn’t another version available due to its unusual history, so you might as well enjoy it. The voice of the ‘Black Monk from Harlem’ (which period of ancient China is this supposed to be?) is particularly hilarious. It’s obviously some white guy trying to jive talk, and as an example of political correctness gone AWOL, it’s a riot. Especially when someone calls him a ‘Shaolin Ghetto Freak’, which should be a movie title in it’s own right.

The action is non-stop, as our heroes fight the ninja’s various skills, the black monk, huge polystyrene spiders, a guy who looks like Yasser Arafat, and a high kicking naked chick. All this is set to a bizarre soundtrack, which is a patchwork quilt of audio from a bunch of other movies, the most obvious being an excerpt of the ‘Ghostbusters’ theme.

‘Ninja: The Final Duel’ is the epitomy of ‘so bad that it’s good’. If you are looking for a big, loud, idiotic piece of exploitative cinema, then this is one to check out. If you like your movies arty, then go watch a Wong Kar Wai film, but you will be missing out on the sight of a Yasser Arafat look-a-like doing kung fu in his boxer shorts.